Every Planet We Reach Is Dead
by buloy
Summary: Sesshomaru just landed himself an extremely sarcastic, terribly annoying and thoughtlessly blunt secretary...at least she was competent. Sess/Kag. PARODY!
1. Mercury

I'll submit myself to another torture and rekindle my love for sess/kag! Eheheh and what better way to serve things in humor/parody/(and yes)romance?? The title? Taken from one of my fav good 'ol cranked up bands, The Gorillaz, baby! Fittingly enough, the album was called Demon Days, eheheh ain't it spiffy? XD

**Warnings**: OOC-ness, and damage to technology (if you people can't figure out the dining room to your comp station! -shakes fist-) and some deprived oxygen.

**Disclaimer**: Well, uh...you don't have them either!! Booyah!:3

Summary: Sesshomaru just landed himself the blandest, sarcastic, annoying, blunt secretary…at least she was competent. Sess/Kag.

**Every Planet We Reach Is Dead**

**Mercury**

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It was one of those days that peace was forever a foreign and alien word, especially in the world of business where they have those damnable contraptions called intercom that goes off with a loud "beeeeep!"

Followed by the most dreadful person you'd never want to meet outside of work ever again.

"Sir?"

"Yes demon bitch?"

"Very funny. I thought we established the no 'nicknames' argument," He could just hear the slight amusement from her voice, "Less of course you'd taken a liking to me calling you fluffy—"

"I'd rather impale myself than take a liking to that name and least of all to some_thing_ like you."

"Oooh, oww. Really boss and I thought that was reserved for your brother."

"You've been demoted."

"There were ranks?"

"And it's half-brother."

"You don't look like it."

"I thought I gave you enough money for that lasik surgery, woman."

"No, you told me I need a new pair of "fashionable" glasses and some make-up."

"And you haven't."

A pause stretched on for a good second.

"…my cat needed a surgery."

There were times Sesshomaru Taisho heir to the biggest, richest, glorious empire of the world, most stalked (because sought was just too blasé and overrun) after bachelor in the whole universe (yes universe, he was _that _renowned) and almighty, powerful demon in the land was—

"Boss, you there? 'Cuz you know I've figured these silent relapses of yours… are well…—"

"What is it Higurashi?"

"I'm concerned." Her voice took on that annoyingly pressing tone almost mocking, yet never fails to fool him one bit.

"You need not concern yourself on my person."

"Sure and when some chick ask for alimony for your _supposed_ bastard kids you had me on speed dial." he could feel her air quotes in the air, knowing her with an ear pressed to her shoulder while taking a pause in filing her nails.

"What was that?" ice dripped with careful venom.

"Nothing! I'm just coinciding with your magnificent knowledge considering the bastard-_y_ of your brother that should not have been produced by your equally esteemed father, whom married a gorgeous human princess and left you all alone in this hell—"

Click.

A clawed hand pinched the bridge of his nose. Why? The silver-haired demon wondered, restraining himself from smacking his beautiful head on his polished cherry wood desk, accompanied with banging it with his silver stapler.

Why did he listen to stupid, ugly Jakken that suggested he needed a secretary? Wasn't his color enough of a warning!? Like a bread gone stale! Why did he even bother!? And most of all why did he closed his eyes and did mini-mini-my-nii-mo to pick a random resume to interview?!

Of course there was a reason for lack of secretaries before, being the sexy beast that he is, surely no demon or human female (or disgustingly enough, male) could be able to resist him. Besides the whole package of rich, tall, dark, handsome and downright oozing with pheromones are enough to put him on the queen bee spotlight.

And no he didn't like it one bit.

The editor of that writing company that dared to put him on the same category as some hapless flying bug…well let's just say they've taken their writing on toilet papers.

But managing a huge company was a pain even in a demon's behind. And his father just recently been acquainted with a disease called Alzheimer's and wished him good luck and flew off to Tahiti. He swore if his father by chance got another woman pregnant…he was going to disown the family altogether.

After that, the elder idiot summoned the younger idiot as his partner…Inuyasha.

As his VP.

He knew his father was dying soon, but not nearly soon enough for his liking to kill the hanyou himself.

Putting one imbecile into a company that can't even tell which floor was the garage and the lobby did absolutely no help! And all he could lend to the company was simply "do" almost every available female with two legs and large chest (though Sesshomaru heard a rumor that he did it with one of his prosthetic-legged worker, but he didn't want to know further details). It does make up for firing a lot of incompetent buffoons though.

Simply put, Inuyasha was more of a bug-detector/repellant than a VP.

In fact, his secretary knows more (from the latest gossip downstairs to their stockholders) about the company and its work than his supposed VP…who can't even remember the girl he slept with the other night.

That of course became the downside of her being smart mouthed and downright nosy when it came to his business, either inside or outside.

-beeeep!

He contemplated smashing the phone on the wall, but decided against it knowing that the girl would just barge in his office, therefore revealing more of her annoying presence that he would like.

"What?" it was the voice that could make any man cower, and Jakken pee while praising him all the while…except her.

"Gee, someone took the wrong car for the day."

"The idiotic hanyou took the Lamborghini."

"Figures. He must be tourquin' it out like crazy, you gotta check it afterwards. He might just bring a girl and leave another con—"

"He knows better if he doesn't want to be skewered."

"Well he's not getting any smarter you know."

"I know."

"I say he enjoys that trip down your window too much."

"Exactly, only a dimwit would."

"…Do you ever feel alienated in your family?"

"And in work, yes."

"Hey! That doesn't include me does it!? I'm a genius you know! Hey—"

Click.

He massaged his temples. Where was a chart to analyze when you need one?

-beeep!

Fangs snap in irritation.

-beeep!

Claws tick wishing blood and flesh to tear.

-bee--!

"Higurashi, stop playing—"

"I forgot, butterscotch's on line three."

"Butterscotch?" he hated it when she uses abominable nicknames for his business clients.

"Yeah, you know that Mongolian dude that became your eternal buggy enemy."

"You mean Menomaru." He sighed, "I thought he was Darth Vader."

"Nah, he's not as evil as Naraku."

"I see, put him on."

"'Kay. Oh! And oh!"

"What?"

"The girl who always come here claiming to be your wife—"

"Throw her out."

"She changed her story saying she's your long, lost daughter."

"…"

"Boss? Is it true?"

"Throw her Jakken."

"He's on vacation."

"What?"

"Remember he said he's going back to Florida?"

"He's from Florida?"

"No, he said the swamps are nice, and the ladies didn't care if he looked at them."

Sesshomaru had a strong urge to really kill something today.

"Higurashi, just do something about it. Call security, throw her, or even kill her, I don't care. I don't want that woman barging in here. Understood?"

"I told you to buy dog hounds—"

"What was that?"

"Nothing! Here's butterscotch, yours truly."

"Just get her off my floor."

"Just buy pitbulls next time—"

Click.

"What do you want?"

"Ah! Sesshomaru, a pleasure to hear your lovely voice—"

"Last time I check, I'm still going straight."

"You wound me so!"

"Menomaru, is there a reason for this call?"

"Of course! You know I've been interested in your sec—"

"She's not for sale in retail price, thank you, call again."

Click.

Just outside his door...(God, does he sorely need a sound proof!)

"—Ma'am, he really isn't appreciating this—"

"You didn't tell him I am Kaguya _Taisho_!! I am his daughter!"

"Really? Didn't know my boss go inter-bred crossing between a cat and a bird—"

"I am his daughter!! Sesshy-daddy!!"

"That's it! I am not going to lose another hard earned 45 dollars and 23 cents for this."

Sesshomaru merely dragged his hands over his face, knowing his secretary, she must've done this in mano y mano style.

He had to wait another, he looked over his watch…at least eight more hours to find his brother and vent all his pent up frustrations that piled over him in a day.

And he had another business meeting too.

All the more reason for an extra spar.

…No wonder Inuyasha was a recluse.

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Ahh…that was fun to write! Well I hope you guys enjoyed it!:) and tell me what you think! And uh, I would really take on to suggestions that would be great to poke fun at lol! Btw I'm still wondering if Kagome should be human or demon? Vote! Until then, happy readings!:)

…I love reviews…-.-


	2. Venus

Like ZOMG! Chapter 2! XDXD meh, I'm trying to talk parody-like…maybe I should go for the split personalities next time lol.

**Every Planet We Reach Is Dead**

**Venus**

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"Boss!"

"What do you—"

"Chupacabra!!"

The silver-haired demon had the pull the phone back and stare at the stupid idiot beyond. "Have you had your breakfast, Higurashi?"

"No! No! No! Chupacabra is reeeaaaaall!!"

"I have more important business-"

"Oh my god! Quick go to yahoo!"

"I am not—"

"Go now! Seriously!!"

"This is prepos—"

"You have to see this!! Click it—!"

"Are you aware—"

"CLICK IT NOW!! DAMMIT!!"

Click.

He glared at the phone, then back at the computer. It wasn't like he had anything better to do…

-beee—

"I see it, Higu—"

"Holy crap! It's real!!"

He scoffed.

"Look at that snout!? And those weird looking-legs! Damn, it's like a little-red nightmare re-run!"

"You do know that that is a wolf."

"You read little red-riding hood?"

"…"

"Oh. My. God. You read kiddie stories! Wait! Have you read the Little Mermaid! Or Cinder—"

Click.

-beee—

"What?"

"I thought they were just myths and legends ya know…"

"It's highly unlikely that they are real, Higurashi. It is just a coyote."

"But-but! It has a long snout! How is that a coyote!?

"It's a coyote." He sighed, exasperated.

"What? A coyote with a long snout?" she huffed," Like anyone would buy that!"

"Exactly, they are not real."

"They are too!"

"They're not. The media is getting money out of this."

"Psh, demons are real and chupacabras aren't…" she mumbled with a pout.

"We are superior beings that are—"

"Higher than thou humans beneath our feet, yeah, yeah. Real anomaly there, Boss. What would that make you? A demon with pretty silver hair? As far as I could tell you look more like a vampi—"

Click.

He hated Tuesdays. Hell, he hated all weekdays.

-bee—

"Higurashi, I swear to—"

"Do you think they'll give rewards if people would catch it alive?"

"I'll give a huge one if someone would just shut you up."

"Oh come on, you know I'm the crème de la crème."

"And what, pray tell, is that supposed to mean?"

"I'm keeping the motor running. And being the equally eloquent person, you speak to me, thus you having uttered more than a syllable and had evolved to complete sentences. Dude, Have you read any of our fics together? I'm like Carter from Rush Hour or somethin!"

A silver brow twitched on the other side of the phone, Kagome smacked her gum.

"What?"

A sigh heard on the other end, "Do you think anyone would read a fic that had JUST _you_ in it?"

"…"

"Exactly."

"Yes, because they are too blinded by my brilliant presence to even acknowledge the ground I walk upon."

"…you are one full of sh—"

"Might I remind you our standing in rates?"

"We can't swear, huh?"

"Yes."

"Damn. And I got a good one for a joke. Oh! Hey by the way! Your brother left a message!"

"Doesn't he always."

"Yeah, but he said that this was "très important."" She took on the French accent.

"Is he gay? Because that is all the more reason I must banish that hanyou from—"

"Dude, the man sleeps with more women than you do."

"Do not get into this—"

"I mean here you are, single, bachelor, most powerful and richest man. And you make people think you can't get it up—"

"Higurashi—"

"Seriously! And taking down that celebrity journalist company didn't really help your publicity. It's a good thing no one highlighted: "Sesshomaru Taisho afraid to get out of the closet—"

"Do you desire death that much, Higurashi." There was a grinding of fangs and clicking of claws as poison seeped through his table.

"Uh…you love me too much?"

Click.

And hour passed of considerable moment of peace, the silver-haired demon was enjoying the sunset. Being the CEO wasn't so bad if you got a view like this, hell he even bought a telescope to spy--er observe the idiocies of human nature. That and there was this really hot woman down the block that often--

-beeep!

-beee-!

"Speak, for my time is of essence."

"Hm, Clara's home this early? What is she wearing? Victoria's Secret catalogue #24 page 18? Ralph Lauren--"

"Higurashi--"

"Right! Time, essence. Your brother called."

"Half-brother. And he is not of any importance."

"Actually I forgot to tell you his message earlier..."

"...Proceed."

"You sure."

"I've received enough insults to feed it back to that hanyou."

"Kay, here goes:

"Oi Bastard! I've been trying to call your fluffy ass! But you ain't answerin'! What's wrong with you?! Too good for cellphones now!? And your gorgeous secretary aren't receiving my calls either! I swear a beautiful and smart woman like her deserve far better than you! She would look good together with Itachi and heck, she should date Kurama too! You are not worth it!! You ugly twit-brained hormonal dog!! Just 'cuz you got silver hair and I got fluffy ears doesn't mean the ladies dig'em as they do me!! I'll kill you with daddy's sword!! Bitch!"

...End message."

"..."

"Boss?"

"How much of that is edited?"

"As good as the rates allowed--"

"Higurashi..."

"What!? What!? Are you raising your brows at me!? You are, aren't you!?"

"I do not know what you speak of."

"Now you raised the other one!"

Sesshomaru pulled back at his reflection from his window panes, and two brows shot up greeted him in guilt.

"Invalid accusation."

"Whatever! I bet you're looking at your face now! I say Inuyasha's been re-educated for his mannerism, you know!"

"Since when did he use your name in the same sentence with "beautiful and smart woman."

"...He said the hormonal dog part, I swear."

"Itachi and Kurama?"

"Oh come on! Aren't we cross-overing?!"

"No."

"Drats!"

Click.

Where was that red capped bottle of Tylenol? And some rum, yes rum. Where was his rum? Rum is good, rum is friend, rum is—

-beeep!

Tylenol and Rum.

-beeep!

Rum and Tylenol.

-beeep!

Dammit!

"One more word out of you—"

"Boss?"

"What!"

"Do you think I could have a vacation?"

The bottle of rum in Sesshomaru's hands cracked in pressure.

"I wanna go to Texas…"

"No, and no. Chupacabras aren't real.

"NOOOOOO!!—"

Click.

-beeep!

-beeep!

-bee—SMASH!

Now where was his cognac?

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Hmmm I decided to do things in drabble forms, just focusing on the puns and jokes than descriptions, I find it funnier. Though I will provide change in settings and scenery from time to time. I also decided to put Kagome in half/demon/miko like all other! Right now, she's "human" lol Nyahahah! I get away with a lot on parody. i like it! XD

...I love reviews...-.-


	3. Earth

I decided to be a total ass, and put this _thang _up to a notch lol, but I will tone down. Please do keep in mind that from _that_ line on, I am starting my horrible parody skirmish. And uh...I am a horrible techy person and have never done IM (loathe chatspeak) so forgive me for my incompetence and slip ups. -bows- And yes, all this crack includes terrible grammar, misspelling and all my hatred for chatspeak are intended. -.-

My bunnies are angry. XD

**Every Planet We reach Is Dead**

**Earth**

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**DRaGoNsLyAER**: OMG! Kenny! We're on chapter 3! Aren't this people just ttlly like wonderful! I luvyou guyz somuches much!!

**xxiHaTeVerBODYxx**: I know not what you speak of, human.

**DRaGoNsLyAER**: o please -**rolls eyes**- grow up! Or I'll wrestle you! -**growls**- I'll glomp your fluffy tail! Ahaha hey guys this is my bf and he thinks he's a dargon lol go figure my name! XDXDXD(an noo! He is not my boyfriend!!-**blush-**)

**xxiHaTeVerBODYxx**: I am a Dragon God. -**deathly glare-**Remove your paws off of me, women. I will not be associated with filth. Besides, this fic would not come into play without me superior help.

**DRaGoNsLyAER**: sure wtevr! I am you bestfirend and you love me 2 much! Ok you know what the only thing you did good in this fic is look like sesshy! Ahahah I should like srsly attached elf ears on you! Kyahhh!!

**xxiHaTeVerBODYxx: **whatever, get on with the fci, women.

**DRaGoNsLyAER:** no!

**xxiHaTeVerBODYxx:** yes.

**DRaGoNsLyAER: **noooo!!

**xxiHaTeVerBODYxx: **you must.

**DRaGoNsLyAER:** never!! Fufufufufu!!

**xxiHaTeVerBODYxx:** **-smirks-**

**DRaGoNsLyAER: **ZOMG! Don't do that you ttly look like sesshy! I can't take it! ahhh! Okay here's chapter three! -**runs for Kenny-!** MY LUUUUUUVVVVV!!

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Ahhh…he knew smashing that nefarious (A/N: I just got that from school! Lolz I actually learned!) piece of technology would bring him peace of mind. And locking his office for stronger defense against the annoyances of his life proved to be fruitful.

So far no idiots had made themselves known, and it's not like he cared about the daily problems of the incompetent workers. Besides if the building did burn down he had easier access to escape.

And now he will enjoy the rest of his day with a drink and spying the everyday idiosyncrasies of—

-ding!

He almost choked.

-ding!

Bloody hell.

-ding!

Narrowed golden eyes glared at the only surviving contraption in his room, the sleek black flat screen of his computer blared with new messages. And oh no, just not any message…it was a freaking IM, personally from...

**kIckAssMiko: **Sir?

**kIckAssMiko: **Boss?

**kIckAssMiko: …**PR3TTY BOI! U THURR!?

Sesshomaru's brow twitched, as he sat down sighing, before the thing kills him with the 'dings' for every message and resolutely sent the set of his speakers crashing on the wall.

**DemonAlmighty:** …

**kIckAssMiko: **IT'S A SIGN!!UR ALIVEEEE!!

**DemonAlmighty: **Can I ever find reprieve from your annoying existence?

**kIckAssMiko: **can you ever stop being an egotistical ass for a day? DemonAlmighty? Is you self-esteem low or somethin'?

**DemonAlmighty: **I doubt that you can be any closer to your name, miko.

**kIckAssMiko: **tch, i am kickcass and u kno I'm 2 much of an eye-candy. n u love my annynces 2 much 2 evr get tired of me!

**DemonAlmighty: **Untrue. You are an eyesore.

**kIckAssMiko: **ZOMG!!Impssible! I bet ur d-dreaming how my ass looks good in this skirt! That's why u never let me in!!

**DemonAlmighty**: I never let you in because you have the tendency to make out with my stapler, and stare at my beautiful silver mane all the while planning my death by hair asphyxiation.

**kIckAssMiko: **...Lies!! You're stapler alwys giv me the stink eye! and i nvr liked your silver, white, platinum blonde, shining, almighty, halo-like, soft, silky, gorgeous, rapunzel demon strands, locks, pubic, bangs, hair anyways! they're extensions! and you go 2 spa evryday!! i bet u use pantene and have hairgasm in your shower!! RAWR!

**DemonAlmighty**: …

**kIckAssMiko: **stop that! Ur lyke annyin me wit ur dots!

**DemonAlmighty:** Your stupidity astounds me.

**kIckAssMiko: **Ah…but u r astounded! rofl! ttlly pwned that from PoTC!! Jackieeee!! Bloom-y my lovely!! **-hearteyes-**

**DemonAlmighty:** Cease your prattling.

**kIckAssMiko: **cease wat?

**DemonAlmighty: **Do not decrease your remaining brain cells by implementing such despicable grammar.

**kIckAssMiko:** OMG!! **-heartattack-** U SPELLED "GRAMM**A**R" RAYT!! OH HOLY, GLRIUOS DAIIIIII!! I MUST PUT TIS IN ME CALNDR AND HAVE A HOLIDAY OUT OF IT!!

**DemonAlmighty: **Who gave you coffee?

**kIckAssMiko: **no 1!! What makes u thunk I drunk (I ryme!!) my Americano cappuccino, frapuccino, black coffee, iced tea, 20 sugars, latte?! (cuz I'm a masochist, n this kagome likes the smell of coffee cuz it makes me look c00l wit coffee FROM STARBUCKS, HOMEMADE OR SOME OTHER CUTE, DAINTY, LITTLE (A/N: I love synonyms!!:)) CAFÉ!!)!! muwahahahaha!!

**DemonAlmighty: **…

**kIckAssMiko: **oh come on!! It's just chtsp3k!! u should ttly do it!! iz a g0d brain xcercise!!

**DemonAlmighty:** Another human abnormality.

**kIckAssMiko: **Brain xcersice!! You f00l!! would it kill ya to not use capitaliztion for a while! jus cuz you're a n00b—

**Notice: DemonAlmighty OUT.**

**kIckAssMiko: **WHAT!! NOOO!! U CAN'T LEAVE ME!! TT--TT Fyne…I'll pwn down ur office do—

**Notice:** **DemonAlmighty IM.**

**kIckAssMiko: **kyahhh! u came back! U came—

**DemonAlmighty:** Higurashi, you will tell me what business related are you suppose to report.

**DemonAlmighty:** …

**kIckAssMiko:** …

**DemonAlmighty:** …

**kIckAssMiko: **….wat?...

**Notice: DemonAlmighty OUT.**

**kIckAssMiko: **NOOO! I'm kidding! I kid, I kid!! I do have an important business!!

**kIckAssMiko: **it's true!! This could be a life and death situation!!

**kIckAssMiko: LYFE AND DEATTTTHHHH!!**

**kIckAssMiko: **…don't make me go neon orange colored, with bold on the words, fluffy.

**Notice:** **DemonAlmighty IM**

**DemonAlmighty: **You write again in that insufferable language—consider your life forfeited by my own claws, miko. And it will be painful, I will gut you and feed your entrails to Jakken and I will decapitate you with my poison claws while you hang by—

**kIckAssMiko:**…you graphic sadist. Is it so hard to say: I kill joo!!

**DemonAlmighty: **I will.

**kIckAssMiko:** okay! If ya wanna kill someone, call the suicide hotline, geez. Soooo anywyas...Your daddy got this really nifty, old scroll—

**DemonAlmighty: **Burn it.

**kIckAssMiko: **oh come on! It can't be that bad! We're not even on the climax of this fic! It's a will! You know it might just be good for you!

**DemonAlmighty: **Tell me what does taking over the company and all my father's possessions if only I am to be mated within an estimated date and expecting grandchildren within the span of nine months, or else prepare to give it all to my hanyou brother?

**kIckAssMiko: **whoa…Are you…are you asking me for advice?? (huge run-on btw) -.-

**DemonAlmighty: **I am being rhetorical, you fool.

**kIckAssMiko: **wait a minute! How'd you know this will! It was sealed with demon's blood with powers and all that hula! o.0!

**DemonAlmighty: **Father made me write it.

**kIckAssMiko: **waht?

**DemonAlmighty: **He was terribly injured in his fight with a dragon demon, and thought he was dying.

**kIckAssMiko: **I'm surprise you didn't deliver the final blow.

**DemonAlmighty: **I tried my best.

**kIckAssMiko: **There, there…we all fail in life. I failed my grade five math and never went beyond that Pythagoras pyramid. Damn you x squared!!

**DemonAlmighty: **…

**kIckAssMiko:** I do say you are one lucky bastard though.

**DemonAlmighty: **…

**kIckAssMiko: **Do you know how many men would kill to be in your position!?

**DemonAlmighty: **Enlighten me, miko.

**kIckAssMiko: **I'll ignore that and pretend you value my opinion. -.-

**DemonAlmighty:** I do not see your rambling to be of any importance.

**kIckAssMiko: **Fine! It's because in the long run, you'll ALWAYS END up _with __**ME**_!! :0:) :3 XDXD

**DemonAlmighty:** …

**kIckAssMiko: **seriously!! You got the woman of your dreams right _here_!

**DemonAlmighty:** …

**kIckAssMiko: **boss?

**DemonAlmighty: **I was inclined to believe that demons are incapable of nightmares.

**kIckAssMiko: **yeah well, I'm foreshadowing you now, you know. (A/N: foreshadow! zomg! Literary word! XDXD) I mean, you never know when I'll just leave this realm and go to Naruto, or YYH, Bleach, or even Vampire Knights. (A/N: Kaname is MIIINNNE!!) And of course! The potential rivals!! What if your father suddenly took a romantic interest in me?! You're done for!! Noooo!! He uses Viagra!!

**DemonAlmighty:** Enough.

**kIckAssMiko:** **-gasp-** you're jealous!!

**DemonAlmighty: **I assure you miko, you are not worth my wrath.

**kIckAssMiko: **YOU LOVE MEEE!!

**kIckAssMiko: **U CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT MEEE!!

**kIckAssMiko: **I am the air you breathe! The sun in your shine! The yin in your yang!

**kIckAssMiko:** next thing you know i'll have your halfdemon/demon/human/miko-demon/freak child and you'll come crawling back to meeee!!

**Notice: DemonAlmighty OUT.**

**kIckAssMiko: **ehh??

**kIckAssMiko: **ur so mean! The least u could do is gimme a -"huggleglomp"-!!

**kIckAssMiko: ...**can I sell the scroll to eBay now?

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I promise all of you, that I will never (ever) attempt this format of plot/chatspeak again. It gave ME a headache. Thanks to all the revs, favs and alerts! Hope you guys enjoyed! Next time…I'd go for some music lol. Also my last un-beta'd fic, yay! i've found a new slave! er-cyberfriend lol! Thnak you for the revs though!:)

If I have offended anynone, all the chat names are simply coincidental and for pure crack/parody purposes. Breathe.

In memory of dearest narquotic-oh wait, she's still alive. XDXD and also a huge dedication to my newfound friend, youshallnotpass! (psst! my offer stands. lol:)

…I love reviews…-.-


	4. Mars

Damn.**-patting pockets- **I think I lost my sanity. xD Warnings in chapter three applies.

EPWRID story Dedication: To my betareader and left hand woman of darkness, youshallnotpass. You're LMFAOs were funnier to read.:3

**Every Planet We Reach Is Dead**

**Mars**

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(A/N Italics are _**flashbacks**_!!)

'…' thinking!

"…" talking!

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There was a saying that if women were from Venus, then men were from Mars.

Well hell, who was stupid enough to put two species in the _same_ world?

Damn Columbus, and damn Shakespeare—or rather, whoever the hell came up with such a phrase. Damn all those famous bastards! Think they know everything! Apparently no one in this lifetime was smart enough to put men and women _apart._

Sesshomaru was starting to think reproduction was a mistake.

Then again, in hindsight, it's better than being in a world full of males.

The silver-haired demon repressed a shudder.

Of course such babble was not the topic of the day.

Oh no, of course not!

We will travel to a time, a place, a moment in which the Great Western Lord of the Dogs of the Moon in the Crescent Sky Palace, Last of the Shiro-Inu, Most Royal Black Blood, Ice Prince of the West and heir to the throne of the Seven Lands and Beyond, Golden-eyed, silver-haired, drop deadly gorgeous wielder of Tokijin and Tensaiga, Sesshomaru Takahashi Antonio Inu no Takashima no Xavier Taisho XXXVII Jr.—made the biggest mistake of his life.

And goddamit, you better say it _all_ right.

In which we shall all look beyond his epic voyage beyond the border of Marshood, and into the midst of the dangerous and oppressive Venuseville.

Accompanied by his fellow brothers' good luck charms, and orchestra theme for his safe journey and in advance funeral—Sesshomaru (all the above) ventured to the memory of the bane of his existence.

_**START FLASHBACK!!**_

_He should've not closed his eyes while picking the resumé…_

_No, he should've melted them all with his poison claws, then shred them out with his Tokijin for good measure and shove it on Jakken's mouth, and boot the kappa to Kansas._

_Damn it all. _

_By the way…why the hell was he doing the interviewing again? Other fics didn't do this!? This is travesty!! We're coursing from the main goal of drama, angst, sex, and drugs, dammit!! What kind of fan girl would want to read something logical as interviews between an employee and employer! Our reading rates will go down!! (A/N: I hope not T—T)_

_Citrine, warm, melting, scorching, devouring, bored, gold, lava eyes stared disdainfully at the resumé before him, and up to the…equally tasteless human waiting patiently for his reply._

"_Higurashi," Stare._

"_Yes?"_

"_You are eighteen?" Stare._

"_Yes."_

"_You are young." Stare._

"_You can read?"_

"_Do not speak while I am speaking, human." Glare._

"_Right, demon—"_

_Narrowed glare._

"_Tell me about yourself."_

"…_Dude, you had sex with me last night—Oh! Shoot! I mean bumped-oh crap! I mean met—MET. I'm dyslexic you know and can't tell between the "e's" and—"_

"_Higurashi—"_

"_Met." She clasped her hands together and bowed in a monk pose. "After I bumped into your car…and saw you and your girl in the backseat—"_

_Glare._

…_Cough._

"_I saw nothing…it was too humid—"_

_Harder glare._

_Fidget._

"_Insignificant incidents aside, Higurashi, tell me about our company."_

"_It's ruled by demons."_

"…"

"_I mean, you're not fooling anyone with your silver hair and golden eyes ya know, who in their right mind would wanna look like a woman with a penis? I'd be damned if there's one plastic surgeon out there _that _good, then hell none of us wouldn't look like Michael Jack—"_

"_Do not babble in my presence, onna." _

"_But you just—"_

_Steely glare._

"_What? I' swear I'm not trying to be sarcastic!"_

"_Succinct enough. I am a very busy man, Higurashi, and I do not tolerate stupidity," pointed glare. "Tell me, how will you respond to a problem?"_

"…_you look like my ex-boyfriend."_

_Piercing glare._

"_I assure you, I will deal with them the best I can, Mr. Taisho."_

"_Do not call me that."_

"_Okay then, Sesshomaru—"_

"_Do not be so informal with me, onna."_

"…_wha? What am I suppose to call you? Sherburt?"_

_Withering glare._

"_You are not allowed to call me with such disrespect. And any disregard for my words or any disobedience to this Sesshomaru will be met with punishment."_

"_Yes, this Kagome shall call this Sesshomaru: Sir."_

_Intensified glare._

"_Or…boss…"_

"_It has come to my attention that you had graduated high school at the age of fifteen, but had consecutive absences. Explain."_

"_I was sick, sir."_

"_Of what?"_

"_Well, you know we're not exactly rich—"_

"_Noted."_

"_I'll ignore that. But my great grandfather was a legendary hermit, and we have come through the lines of great mikos—"_

"_I do not care about your heritage, ningen."_

"_You sure? I mean I could tell you how Midoriko was my great-great-great times 20 square grandmother and how your father nearly had a baby with her and—"_

"_I see you suffer from __Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder__."_

"_Wrong. I have heart, lung, and testicular cancer."_

…

…

"…_according to my grandfather—"_

_It took him time to snap out of the last one, as his jaw clipped back with a sound._

"_There is a line between too much information, and needing to know, onna. Practice it well."_

"_Yes, sir."_

"_I can see why you graduated early."_

"_I was a genius.__"_

"_No. You were merely…misplaced."_

"_What's that supposed to mean?"_

"_You are not to question me, ningen, understood?"_

"_Why not?"_

_Laser beam glare. _

"_It says in your file that you are…" a fine silver brow raised in question, "A university drop out."_

"_Lay off."_

"_Excuse me?"_

"_It's a lay off. You know, when you get laid off—"_

"_I know what it means, ningen. And it does not apply in universities, only in work."_

"_Nuh-uh…" she gave him a 'you-lie' look._

"_I will not go through this idiotic argument. Explain to me why you are dropped out from Tokyo University." Sesshomaru was having the urge to rip something and he didn't need the girl to rant about stories. Hell, if this was how the human resources deal with these, they sorely needed a raise. _

"_And make it short." He gave her a death glare._

"_My professor was a pedo. Knocked him with a jab and ended with a cut. Then, I proceeded to blast my working lab station to smithereens, and ended four classmates in the hospital." She strained himself from going any further from the truth._

"_Reasonable."_

"…_you're a heartless man."_

"_Save it for later, Higurashi."_

"…_I'm gonna need some sutras…just in case." She mumbled under her breath._

"_What was that?"_

_Glare glare. (A/N: thesaurus my looove! Where art thou?)_

"_Nothing! I just thought you'd need my miko help anytime, you know. I could blast them with my pure heart miko sparkle, ultra kidou, nin-gen-tai jutsu, venus and sunshine attack, and—"_

"_Unnecessary." He concluded, this girl was not going to be his secretary. But he just have to ask one thing, that he placed faith on his proverbial window. And when your employer did the hand bridge, head and body lean forward and eyes like a damn beady hawk-- every employee had just one shot to nail and jab after this question._

_This would be a huge atom bomb with bright green neon flag waving and sirens screaming like a banshee in your head._

"_What makes you think you are suitable for this job, Higurashi?" (A/N: omgawd this happened to me in an interview!)_

_Kagome inhaled, this was her dream, this was her chance. Even though she'd never really finished high school and never went to a university, but rather spent the whole lot of her time mulling over her love life and thinking about her cat's next kibbles, or her self-ridden fantasy about jumping down wells like Alice in Wonderland and meeting handsome demons with serious reality problems. (A/N: damn you kinky-hooo!!) _

_She was going to have a normal life, dammit!!_

"_Well," she started off with a good juju, "You're not exactly my type…"_

_And down the hammer goes to her thumb._

…

_Sesshomaru's eyes tinged on pink._

_How dare a female reject him!! Er—at least, wouldn't fall for his gorgeous, Zeus-like marble bod, sexy, deep baritone, octave, sultry voice, his golden, dark-slit, cat-like swirling pools of melted crispy enchiladas! And who wouldn't be proud of his _(cen.k+ k+.sored)_!? _

_This woman is an alien!_

_Realizing her mistake like 3 squared equals 3 square_s_, Kagome quickly reiterated. "I mean, sure you got the package of tall, dark and handsome…but," her eyes shifted, "You're probably gay."_

_A brow twitched, claws clicked, and fangs snapped, pink eyes overshadowed with red. _

"_But wait!" apparently the hammer to the thumb didn't do justice. "Since I know all females within your company and outside the world would have "loved" to be in such a ravishing position as your secretary—"_

"_Woman—"_

"_You're not exactly as hot as your dad."_

…

…

_**END FLASHBACK!**_

Sesshomaru wasn't exactly sure what happened after that, but he was fairly certain that she was the _least_ crazed-stalker-otaku-rabid-human out there.

But he knew he suffered major brain damage that day after he shook her hands and gave specific instructions for her work hours.

Yes, pigs flew that day…in a dozen.

-beep—

It was a feat for him not to smack his head on the desk.

"What is it, Higurashi?"

"I was just thinking…"

"Phenomenal."

"What would you think of me as your mother?"

Click.

…

_Bang._

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Oh come on! if Inutaisho got more screentime he'd be the hawttest bishie on the block--er forest and "Inuyasha" (show) would turn to "Inutaisho," with a whole harem of chicks. Trust me, I'd be there.XD

Guuhhh! Stupid bunnies! I'll never have them for pets! I'll get a tazmanian devil next time, at least they don't deceive me with their cuteness…-.- In case any of you haven't noticed, my A/Ns are intended! I think I'll use pet-peeves for the lot of it, heheh. Until next time!:)

…I love reviews…-.-


	5. Jupiter

We all love songfics. I know you do. ;)

**Every Planet We Reach Is Dead.**

**Jupiter**

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Now while every dog has its tree, Sesshomaru has a whole lot of forest of them. He tended to it like every dog should.

No questions asked.

I mean, you know doing his business, and being a very hot blooded male and sack full of testosterone like him, of course there's enough Sesshomaru to go around, ladies. Just so no fan girl could be beaten right back in the ass. (A/N: I couldn't help putting it in there! It's a universal rule that a writer must have, just so to have a very funny allusion to it!!)

And yes as a corporate leader, sexy demon, I-bow-to-no-one, superior of all and alpha male, Sesshomaru had heard that the latest trend was now "doing it" in the office. And yes to the fan girls screaming their sexual frustrations that they started to do completely idiotic things! You know, like twelve year olds attempting to write sex scenes.

…

Did any of you took sex-ed classes? Or at least _listened_ to a"highly experienced' speaker in your grade school? 'Cuz _that_ doesn't go _there._

Shudder. And there goes a broken man.

I know Titanic wasn't the best sex scene, but damn.

Besides, this company fuels on drama! What are you talking about, stock holds? Money? Company mergers with papers and party balls? All that jazz about having anything to do with business? Pshaw! No! It's all about having a beautiful, bodacious, blonde beauty with blue eyes in his office while screwing them and because this author doesn't know a damn thing about running a company except depending on love!!

Love and Peace thrives on the success of the company! Hurrah!

That's right! That's why ninety point nine percent we never get to the "company state" but rather the drama, angst, sex and drugs! Wooo! Yeah! I mean seriously, who cares about boring graph lines and all that, when we could focus about Sesshy's love interest and his gradual OOCness?

And yes, Sesshomaru knew he hired (just) beautiful women for a reason, and no his secretary does not count! No matter how much he denies his demon, blood, lusts, rage, tantrum, compassion, tenderness, anger, emotions, and all that humanly thing they called PMS!

In which "Higurashi" had inevitably translated to "Pissing Mr. Sesshomaru." (A/N: I'm so clever!)

Back to the topic at hand, being the CEO of this company, there was an ongoing trend of hot office sex…or was it to just prove his rebellious, dark side masculinity…?

Damn those blue-collared bastards thinking he was gay.

He'll show'em! Hmph! Like, totally!

Ahem. Ah yes, back to his bitch.

She wasn't particularly ugly. In fact she was gorgeous, hot, sexy, supermodel, company daughter…like every other Mary-sue. And her name suddenly turned American: Sarah.

He didn't know what he drank today, but he was feeling every bit a part of a dark lord ready to devour a damsel in distress. Or in a case in which he, Sesshomaru was about to get his freak on—

KABLAM!

"Yo, boss! You forgot to sign this—"

"Eeeeeekkkkk!!"

There goes his superior hearing.

"…damn."

Two things happened at once.

One, being he was no longer in the mood, and two the woman just had to show to the world what was happening then—oh yeah, the three—

"Woah…my fortune cookie was right."

Secretary on cue: Kagome Higurashi.

"I _will_ see unexpected things happening today. But I didn't know fan service is one of them—"

"Higurashi—"

"'Sup, Sarah!"

"You!"

"Did I ruin the mood?"

"How dare you barged in to Sesshy-piddlewikkins and I!?" said the bodacious blonde woman who had acquired a small portion of her left brain to compile such a complaint while tying up her tattered clothing, really…all she's missing was a bone in her hair and some flint and you'll get a flashback of the Pleistocene era.

And did we mention the irony of Sesshomaru hating stupid woman but was perfectly fine sleeping with them? Well no one said dogs can be choosers. All you need is a fine leg and a paper bag over her head, and voila! You can assure yourself that you've never met her before, ere'go that's not your baby.

Anyways, did she just call him—

"Sesshy-piddlewikkins!!"

Sesshomaru saw red. Yes, lots and lots of red with a touch of burgundy and with a tinge of pink and with a hint of blood red and a splash of crimson red added with dark red and the whole animalistic Grudge red! He'd heard of Sess, Sesshy, Sesshou, Sesshy-kins/kun, Sesshy-dumplings, Sesshy-crab cakes, and Sesshy-red bean paste and had even tolerated Sesshy-sushi for the sake of tongue tying, but why?! What is it with women and their fetish for attaching something "fluffy" and edible to his name?!

Didn't they get that Sesshomaru Takahashi Antonio Inu no Takashima no Xavier Taisho XXXVII Jr. meant: "The Killing Perfection" ?! It was oozing with manly testosterone! Like seriously, they should make a codename out of it, like CIA style: "The Killing Perfection."

To the T, to the K, and to the P, and what's that's spell?!: "The Killing (freakin') Perfection." Hell it sounded like the next best stripper on the block!

But "piddlewikkins?!"

It's like a Harry Potter OC name gone wrong!

'_Sir Piddlewikkins __you've been assigned to solve the mystery of the tom foolery tea leaf'!_

_'Aww, but me jam jar's cream crackered'! said Piddlewikkins. 'And I haven't an aytron to get it on the mend'!_

_But Mr. Longswanks Alabastor Coddlebottom didn't look convinced, thank you very much. 'I don't want any pork pies out of you, Piddlewikkins! I know you've spent all your dudleys on britneys down at the nuclear! Now get your bacons up the apples and pears and boat the bloody minister'!_

As the unstoppable migraine formed over his head the way a series of storm clouds casts gloom and despair over an otherwise sunny valley, Sesshomaru remembered exactly WHY he hadn't picked up a Harry Potter book in years. He could deal with all that mumbo jumbo language they passed off as English and not some retarded version of that screeching noise monkeys make at the zoo- but Gods, man! Did they HAVE to leave their punctuation on the OUTSIDE of their quotations? It didn't make any damn sense! And why do they put food names in the middle of their sentences?! It wasn't like he hadn't had enough food attached to his name.

Back to the matter at hand...wait, wait! What the hell?? What the—who the freak-knack was that?

Insert dumbstruck face with stink eye over here.

Oh. My. God.

Like…totally.

This author had feared the worse…some ficwad identity had inevitably injected into her brain and fried all her American language and had wrought back the revolution with vengeance! And not just any ficwad…it's a "British" ficwad!! (A/N: I mean no offense! My bff and beta is British and she's insaneeeee!! like me.)

It's the battle of Yorktown reversed!!

This was why Sesshomaru had always thought of himself as the younger version of Dumbledore…when he wasn't gay…yet, you know…

But nevertheless! I have digressed too far from our more significant topic!

Like…how Kagome had just pointed out something we're trying to stray from, "Sesshy-piddlewikkins? That's new, never thought of that."

"Don't press it, Higurashi." The grinding of canines could be heard a mile away.

"I mean you fit right in to the character of a unicorn stable boy in Harry Potter, and you'll name it Jolly Periwinkle, and—"

A growl emanated from his bared fangs as Sesshomaru glared his glare of doomsday to the unsuspecting raven haired, twit-brained, brazen mouth, little—

"How dare you?!" woah, nearly forgot the presence of our Mary sue, "How dare you barge into Sesshy-piddlewikkins and I's hot smexy love!"

"Really boss, office sex? That's like…80's ya know."

"Higurashi—"

"You know what's the thing now? Elevators! Elevators, I tell ya!"

Sesshomaru wanted to throw someone out the window today…seriously.

"R-really?" Sarah upturned her hopeful eyes to the raven haired woman. It's like a super idiot talking to the nut guru. This can't be good.

"Yah! Got you stuck on my elevator, get it up on my elevator."

Ohnononononononogodsnoooo!

Alarm bells signaled over Sesshomaru's brain like Hiroshima and Nagasaki. (A/N: ya, you know I wanna get historic and metaphoric at the same time). But it was too late, the bomb detonated in less than a—

**My First floor, stuck on the gold digger  
Second floor, stuck on the dime piece  
Third floor, stuck on the hood rat  
Fourth floor, freak it I don't know cuz.  
(This girl is)She's stuck on my ella, e-ella-vator  
(This girl is)She's stuck on my ella, e-ella-vator  
(This girl is)She's stuck on my ella, e-ella-vator  
(This girl is)She's stuck on my ehh o ehh oh**

Telltales of demon veins (cuz ya know Sesshy's a smexy demon and he ain't human!) popped out of Sesshomaru's skin, as the horrors called songfic made itself know to an otherwise acceptable fiction. He was going to kill this author during author notes later, and dump her in a bridge somewhere. (A/N: dude, rape me first JK! XD)

Not to mention the shining-holy bold, center, font…Stop! In the name of love! Before you break my heart! Think it over!

Sesshomaru ignored the fact that Diana Ross came to haunt him from beyond…Sure his father liked her, but he had more taste than that thank you very much. He truly believed that The Temptations should've had more fame…

Instead the silver-haired demon focused on the more important things…like say…running his company! Yeah! And of course also—

"—yasha's coming—"

"What?"

"Your little bro's comi—"

"Half-brother."

"Same sperm, different wombs, so what?"

Demon glare.

"Right, right, half-brother it is."

"I do not need him to come—"

"Sesshouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!"

Sesshomaru felt like smashing his head on the table.

"I told you to buy pitbulls."

Maybe…just maybe, he'll get his wish today.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Author's corner! (yes I bought a real estate for my corner here)

**dArGoNsAlYaEr:**omg!! Sesshy! Yu've come to whisked me off my feet and—okay what's with the sword--?!

**Sesshy**: To hack you up to pieces.

**dArGoNsAlYaEr:** you sure that's not for stimulation—?

**Sesshy**: RAWR!

**dArGoNsAlYaEr:** gaaahhh! …please be gentle. :)

**Sesshy**: Die.

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Omg! Like cliffiieee! XD mah well you know you can't call it a fiction without suspense…or you can't call it suspense without a fiction…-.- meh. Sooo! Peeps ya know I'm grasping needles on a haystack here so suggestions for next chappie would be fantabulous. I ain't here for just laughs ya know. Also kudos to my betareader youshallnotpass for her equally sick sense of humor. You roxorx my tuterz!XDXD Btw the songs are completely for crack purposes, no harm was done to these fab. songs and singers. I bow to their genius, honestly.

…I love reviews…-.-


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